This week I had the privilege to write for Romper about my 5 year old son apologizing to me for 2+ years of his mom-direct anger. His words stopped me in my tracks. Reflecting on his gesture made me ask lots of questions. At what age can kids apologize, and mean it? When do we (adults, grown ups) owe them an apology? What does rupture and repair look like in families? I turn these questions over to you with a bunch of other questions attached like barnacles. Continue Reading …
Essays
I promise you don’t have “Nothing To Write About”
A common complaint: "I Have Nothing to Write About!" One of the most common things I hear from students at the beginning of the school application process is “I have nothing to write about!” Parents and professionals tell me all the time they get this response when students must answer personal questions about themselves. And as a parent or professional, you know your kid or student is brimming with great ideas, yet when they sit down to write, they produce-- nothing. You remind them what's special about them, but “I have nothing to write about!” they complain. And they probably (think they) mean it. I've been there too. Good news for students: it's really unlikely! You made it this far in life, you definitely have something to write about, you’re just not convinced you do. That usually means it’s just too hard to get started, you feel insecure, you’ve convinced yourself your ideas are poor in advance, or you aren’t thinking specifically enough. The best way to cut through the obstacle, whatever the reason, is just to start! Below I share my favorite tips for doing so. Try them all until something works, because something will. Continue Reading …
COVID and College Admissions: Time to Get Genuine!
Last night, I felt heartened listening to the Applerouth college admissions panel on post/COVID college admissions landscape. It reaffirmed a hopeful facet of our current tragedy, which is acute here in New York City: that some things could change for the better-- namely, increased access to higher ed, a more genuine and equitable admissions process. And some really great essays. :) The warm panelists spoke about all aspects of admissions, but at Essay Intensive, we're always thinking about the written portions. And as a writing coach, I was thrilled to hear how excited the panelists were for the essays to come! They were encouraged by what gets stripped away, the pretense in applications, the excess of striving to be The Best and Most. But they are even more pumped about what gets expressed: students having no choice but to be their genuine selves telling colleges who they are--without the Circus of activities and commitments speaking for them. Smaller lives that mean a bigger deal. The panelists had some concrete advice for high school students of all ages at this time of stay-at-home orders, that aligns fully with what I’m always telling them. This is not about what or how to study, and it’s not about scores and metrics: Do something goofy!Enjoy whatever you can Work on your Time managementRead booksSpend time with your parents or family-- have those deep conversations, have the difficult conversations-- don’t put off meaningful conversations. Be guided by your passion to learn-- and learn something! This is forced self-reflective time like you might *never* have again in the same way! (And hopefully not for the same reason). And (honest) self-reflection is college admissions (essay) gold! What do you do when you suddenly have time? When left to your own devices? What’s inherently interesting to you? These are practically college essay prompts, living in your head and day to day decision making. The pay-to-play stuff is Continue Reading …
Develop Your College Essay like Spreading Peanut Butter
Americans eat something like a billion pounds of peanut butter per year--and most students feel, at their most eye-roll-y moments, like they write about a billion college essays (all those supplements!). If you want to develop a good essay, however, we could learn a thing or two from our popular staple peanut butter. The Peanut Butter /Writing Process My older stepson, K, is a bit obsessed with pb&j. Turns out it's also the #1 choice of pre-game meals for the NBA (though they could afford caviar!), and most non-allergic elementary school kids (who scoff at caviar!). As soon as K walks in the kitchen, the possibility of pb hijacks his decision-making process. He pulls out the bread, the oversized jars of pb and local honey, and gets to work. His heart throbs. The thing is, it's torture watching him make it. Because he takes so very long, spreading that peanut butter. He runs the flat edge of the butter knife over and over the bread until there are zero lumps. The pb is exactly smooth. And 10 minutes have passed, maybe more. He devours it in three bites. Develop, delete; create, destroy; produce, consume; repeat. Why this makes me want to lose my mind is a good question-- it's not my time or my sandwich. Your college essay is not mine either. And I don't lose my mind over it, nor should you (except in the healthy way that sometimes we need to lose ourselves to find ourselves). However, I think we could consider K's approach to peanut butter spreading as one of the perfect metaphors for a common problem-- the essay that a writer did not develop evenly sometimes misses the mark. So what do you need to consider to develop a strong essay? Not a flimsy, disappointing sandwich? How to develop your college essay (quick & dirty): don't over-expend on the intro include enough backstory vivify with scenesmake some meaninghave realistic aspirationsconnections should be freshin conclusion, DON'T SAY IN CONCLUSION!--but give me a gift! Put it Continue Reading …
What if I don’t have something to write about?
This is a thing I hear a lot: I don't have something to write about. Franklyn said it. Erin said it. Fatou said it. You might have said it. It's not true. And your admissions essay writing process should prove that to you. Are your cells not dividing, just because you can't see it happening from your current vantage point? No: in so far as we know, we are always breaking something down in order to grow. So there is always a bitty thing leading to a bigger thing. That's writing: the power of the specific and small to expose something more. You do have something to write about: you can write about anything. Choose smaller Often, the students that show up for my help carting their Big Something to write about end up having to switch gears and pick a new topic. They were trying to impress, not investigate. They need to get really small. The orange rind they left in their backpack in third grade, that started their interest in problems mold can cause. The way their mom's tamales smelled on Sunday mornings, that led to family competition who could eat theirs the slowest. The time they missed the bus and found a dying baby bird. These things are small. They are not often things we call Something. The best writing begins with anything. Sometimes, it's better that you write beginning with something random, not loaded, so you feel more free to explore: "paperclip"; "backwash"; "pothole"; "queasy." Our minds are so good at making up stories-- and so you feed your mind a word, it often spits out a situation, a scene, a reflection. Follow that, open the boring-looking door, get nosy. Find or make a pattern with your thinking We are pattern detecting machines; but we are also pattern generating machines. When I ask students to make a connection or association in their personal essay writing, the a-ha's, I'm really asking them to find the pattern, and if they can't find one, make one. Is it true that Orion's belt is just hanging out in the Continue Reading …
Student as Teacher
Or to Flip a Buddhist proverb: When the Teacher is Ready, The Student Appears! There is a cliche teachers bandy about that "our students are our teachers!" But sometimes, it's true, not just a broadly applied worldview or something we say at Happy Hour over seltzers to redeem a tough week. This summer, I got to nerd out teaching Writing Mechanics (soon re-dubbed "The Inner Life of Words") to TEAK Fellowship's 7th graders with an assistant, my former student Aaron M, who is now entering Yale as a freshman. I taught him personal essay writing and grammar when he was their age-- one of those students I knew Could Write if he wanted to. I was like, "Hey, Aaron-- (acting all casual) --could I see some of your writing?" (FEED ME!) and he agreed. "Mostly poems" he said, like they were going to be some tea-bag slogan to apologize for. Not at all. A Poem from my Student as Teacher! He often speaks like he is apologizing in advance. But "Fat", this poem he showed me? My student as teacher, totally unapologetic! He loves words, like, a lot. Sometimes shy and fumbling when he speaks spontaneously, he's anything but when he's writing. Maybe it's because I'm a mom and I'm currently preoccupied with fat phobia in our culture, but this poem (a draft, he clarified) made me stand up and salute. How come a teenage boy can figure this out, but the rest of our culture can't? Fat (A Poem for My Mother)-- **Draft, but what isn't? The skinny boy in my dorm,six-foot tall and all bones and beautiful,scoffs as he speaks of the Latin teacher he deemsfar too fatfor his youthful thirty-six years.His lips curl in disgust. In anger, even.It’s his fault. I think of my mother:thirty-six, too, and stick-thinuntil she had me. Today,she carries with her stretch marksand flab and extra pounds of fat,and I wonder if the Beautiful Boy’s lipswould curl just as tightly,spit just as spitefullyin speaking of the body that kept me safe. I wonder if he knows that each time he Continue Reading …