What's your Inner Teenager telling you? Even the most docile teenager, which I'd say I was (though my mom might put it otherwise), has a reactive streak, the impulse to reject or explode or "take things personally" that seems to come from nowhere. It's the reactivity of the teen that seems to get under the skin of their grown-ups. And the grown-up's inner teenager jumps into the ring. Especially when there is an important, high-stakes task to be completed (college essay, anyone?) for which the full-grown adult feels ultimately responsible and maybe overly-invested. Add to that the teen's fluctuation between grandiose self-importance (feeling the center of the universe-- because individuation sometimes requires laser focus) and tough plummets in self-esteem (feeling like the outcast of the universe--when someone's comment sent you headlong into self-loathing) and you have a cocktail for colossal arguments. The crux of the problem is with our own blind spots Turns out the crux of the problems might lie not with the teen, but in getting their full-grown adults (guardians, parents, care-givers) to embrace their inner teenager-- or rather, the inner truths that having a teenager around can force us to face. Some of the interpersonal conflict teens are blamed for might actually come from adults needing to be more introspective and honest about our feelings about our lives. In other words, you teens are smart, and onto something we full-grown adults just might need some of. Our discoveries could and should happen in tandem. Cutting-edge Neuroscience Says So! Luckily, smart neuroscientists and psychologists like Dr. Dan Siegel are doing some radical investigation of the teen brain. And what we're learning not only redeems (yup!) some of these behaviors, but let's us know that the reason for the adults getting so triggered lies as much with their own sense of self as with the teen's ___________ (fill in the blank-- insolence, mood swings, brashness, Continue Reading …
Solutions
Crappy Moods, Comedians, and the Writer’s Cure
Crappy moods: they happen. (Reader, are you straight-jacket-ed by a particularly crappy mood currently? Cut right to this Louis CK cure. Road-test the comedians' corrective. And come back to read the rest of this later.) Crappy moods are like reverse rainbows, showing up when weather conditions are darkly unfavorable in inner or outer environment or both. At their best, crappy moods facilitate discharge of the nastier emotions. and move on. You know the drill: kick your drawer shut, and break your own toe in the process. Slam household items around. Be snappy at those you love. Mope and mull. It's not usually a pretty picture. But Crappy Moods sometimes settle in like shower mildew, and can put a serious cramp in your creativity. Comedians: they help. Your Crappy Mood is an orchard ripe for picking for comedians, who can find the humor in anything-- the less seemingly funny it is, the better. Your irrational or irritable behavior is already slightly ridiculous to anyone who's not you. A comedian laughs not just with you, but at you. And you'll want them to. Because then you'll have to laugh at yourself, and this is the healthiest way to return to creativity, sanity, and general equilibrium. Let Joan Rivers explain Joan Rivers told Larry King, "I purposely go into areas that people are still very sensitive about and smarting about, because if you can laugh at it, you can deal with it. That's how I've lived my whole life. I swear to you - and I'm Jewish - that if I were in Auschwitz, I would have been doing jokes just to make it OK for us." But to deal with it, you have to know that it's there in the first place. Crap Under the Radar Crappy moods happen more frequently and more fiercely when something is bugging us just under the radar of our awareness. Some unaddressed stressor, or maybe a small mountain of them. Some factor out of our control, like whether or not-- emphasis on not-- our writing is universally loved. Or, more to the point Continue Reading …
How to Take a Deep Breath
Pause the panic mode You know when you're getting really pissed off, anxious, or stressed, and someone says, "It's OK, just take a deep breath"? Sometimes, you want to smack the person. Even so, you suspect that advice is spot-on, and that your emotional hubbub (Too many application essays, anyone? Computer stalling, anyone? Fridge has no food again, anyone? Relatives grating at you, anyone?) could get quietly derailed. But in the moment, when you're stuck in shallow breathing (and maybe shallow thinking), "Take a deep breath" is annoying to hear, and for whatever reason hard to remember to do. Even though it's the easiest-- and actually most helpful-- thing of all (and free--did we say free?). Plus, maybe you don't know how. Really how. These trying moments of intensity can be greeted as opportunities for taking-- or learning to take, or finding value in taking-- a deep breath. I have to relearn this lesson all the time. So get your big breath on If you've never been shown otherwise, you might take a deep breath by puffing up your chest while tensing your jaw and shoulders, and leave it at that. No bueno. Instead, read on to learn what that well-meaning correct-but-pain-in-your-ass person could have instructed you to do-- a gift you can give yourself right now, and every day from now on, if you so choose. How can you get that restorative, revitalizing deep breath? You know, the one that makes all your problems (momentarily) go away? Well, it's not just your chest you want to move, even though that's the part of our bodies we most closely associate with breathing. In fact, it's more helpful if you think your lungs are in your belly. Your diaphragm will pull down the lower lobes of your lungs, and your blood, brain and spirit will be richer for it. Your parasympathetic nervous system, the function that allows you to relax, will give you a full-bodied thumbs-up. Here's the triumvirate of breathing exercises Try it according to my Continue Reading …
Why You? Why Me! Tackling Supplemental Essays
Admit it: you, me, and possibly everyone else thinks the college application supplemental essays sometimes suck, and so you may be leaving them to tackle last, after your core essay is polished and powerful. Then (now!) you face a daunting sucky pile. But as is true for the rest of the application process, supplemental essays don't have to make you gag, stall, and then use hyperbole to compensate. It's up to you to make them work, and worth your time to do so, since many students have upward of twenty to write. Here are our tips on writing these essays successfully. First, why do they suck (and merit such a low-brow verb)? Because the supplemental essays violate an important maxim: Ask a good question, get a good answer. Unfortunately, the supplemental essay questions are often dry, and so get your dry responses. And the human urge to spout grand life plans and BS a bit. Students often get trapped responding to the "Why Our School?" essay, which can require anywhere from a painful 150 to a brutal 500 words, with one of the following unsuccessful moves: Copy-pasting text from the school's website (I think they may have read that already). Sharing your grand Life Plans (think ALL CAPS). Spewing a healthy load of BS praise ("This school has a STUPENDOUS anthropology program!!!!"). The issue with each of these approaches is: You told them what they already know. (But they are really glad you took the time to Ctrl-X, Ctrl-V). Your long-term ambitions and Big Dreams are not as relevant or important here as your immediate ambitions and actions. BS cannot sound like anything but BS. Admissions officers are hired for their BS detectors. Also, Schools are not like dogs-- they are not hoping for your praise. You are hoping for theirs. Luckily, we can call on a powerful, effective and simple recipe to get us through-- since we are stuck with these supplemental essay questions for now (Hallelujah to U Chicago, and the other schools Continue Reading …
First line, first impression
Your first sentence of your essay decides if you have a future... That is, if your college essay has a future in the eyes of your reader. There, got your attention. See? First impressions matter. Your college essay is no exception. And your first line of your personal statement is your first impression, so here's how to make it good and have the adcom begging (well, maybe not begging, but ready) for more. Consider Context You wouldn't go for a job interview with tomato sauce rubbed across your face, go on a first date in a stained shirt, show up for the first day of school with a busted notebook from last year. Don't start your essay without thoughtful craft-- you want it to entice. In fact, make that first line work for you so you have the best chance at getting the prize-- that is, the adcom's attention. Figure out the techniques Here's Stanford University's sample first lines from admitted students. If you take a few minutes to study each first line, you'll see that A) there is a range of winners and B) there is no formula and C) each line has a reason it's successful. We'll look at a few different ones to give you a primer on why they work. First Lines of college essays we love "I change my name each time I place an order at Starbucks." First, clever, and why not, do you have an obligation to be you? Second, the reader is given a fact, but no explanation for it: perhaps the writer likes the freedom to swap out identities in low-stakes situation; perhaps the applicant hates his or her first name; perhaps something traumatizing happened with a Starbucks employee -- point is, we have just enough information to be intrigued, but not enough to be satisfied. Simple sentence, but big opening. "When I was in eighth grade I couldn't read." Again, simple fact, but begs the biggest question: Why? (Especially, perhaps, because we know this student was submitted to Stanford at least partially on the strength of the essay). "On a hot Hollywood evening, Continue Reading …
Procrastination got your college essay? Try this!
Is your college essay due this weekend, or next week, and you've been procrastinating epically? Here's how to beat the procrastination paralysis and crank out a college essay by deadline. Note & Plug! The photo featured above shows gung-ho participants in a customized Essay Intensive college essay writing workshop, Just Write, at The TEAK Fellowship. They beat procrastination, just like you will, and punched out some quality personal essays! So, speaking of-- back to you. The moment is Now It's beyond crunch-time. You're panicking that you don't have time (because you screwed yourself) to be all that you need to be in your college admissions essay: insightful, creative, authentic, reflective, and thoughtful. (You're wrong-- keep reading). You're seriously considering writing your college essay on your dog's midlife crisis as you watch him limp after spastic squirrels. And ending it with a line about the pointlessness of striving in this world. Think again. Let your dog have his own crisis. Seize your loaded moment for what it's worth, and use our tips to write. Continue Reading …